my ocd

let me tell you about my ocd.

it's a nasty thing you know. when i was younger i was always prone to having these weird 'obsessions' with something. i never really saw it as a huge problem, it was just a quirk of mine that could be bad but it was in my control so i wasn't very worried about it.

then i got diagnosed with avm. i was in and out of hospitals and my life totally turned upside down. i prefer to be in control. it's naturally in my personality, and with all the seizures and my health deteriorating i was desperate for the control of that part of my life so i developed bad habits and intrusive thoughts start coming in more and more and more. i realized that i'm under constant stress and i was yearning for something to relieve me of that stress because i couldn't handle all of those intrusive thoughts coming into my head and not going away. they took over control of my life so much that i stopped going out of my room. i had a script for everything i did. in which order i put on my clothes, what parts of my body i soap first, which leg do i wipe first when i come out of the shower, what kind of underwear i wear when i actually go out etc. everything i did had some kind of a rule that i must abide by OR ELSE something would happen. three years ago i was scared that i would have a seizure if i didn't do it by the 'rules'.

and then my seizures stopped.
you'd think everything would stopped. but it didn't. my anxiety got stronger, i started having panic attacks and the thoughts continued to torture me even more. today, my intrusive thoughts are at their peak. literally everything i do is decided by the intrusive thoughts in my brain that just won't go away. i'm scared to put on a new nail polish, i'm scared to change certain makeup brands that i use or even shower gel. i still have a routine of which body part i soap first and last when i'm showering and which piece of clothing i dress on first and last after showering. i can't do this anymore.
i don't think that people around me are aware of whats going on. those who know are being supportive as much as they can, i think. but i can see that there are times when it irritates them a little bit, it's fine though, it irritates me too.

i don't know how to stop these thoughts and sometimes i feel like they are gonna drive me insane eventually. i can't remember anymore what it's like to just be. exist without thinking so much about every single insignificant thing.
i just want them to stop.
i'm tired.