entry.20
date.121620

the older i get the less things i find enjoyable. like i can't enjoy the things i used to enjoy a lot. i feel like i've grown out of it in a way. i've noticed that i cannot relate to people anymore that do enjoy the certain thing i was obsessed before. i think it started 3 years ago, and i know the 'age is not important, you can enjoy whatever you want to', it's not about it, it's just that i cannot relate with people in those communities anymore. i feel like i'm in some sort of a middle twenties crisis. so now i've came to this period where i just don't have anyone to talk to about anything. i wonder if others have similar issue or am i the only idiot that incapable of finding something to belong to. for some time i played sims a lot, like A LOT and i joined two discord servers, literally couldn't even join the main chat because i didn't get what the hell were they talking about. so i gave up from that. when i discovered animal crossing this summer i was so excited because it makes me so happy, so i joined that discord too but bruh, same story, can't relate with anything they're saying in there, i can only send screenshots and react to things, it's very frustrating.
just wanted to vent a little.

i'm getting an urge to revamp my whole site but ugh it's so much work to do and so little motivation and creativity, sigh.

entry.19
date.121320

[deleted]

entry.18
date.120120

i haven't written a word for a long time here. a lot of shit happened and i just wasn't in a mood for really anything. i was doing good for a short period of time and then i crumbled down completely.
it got really cold outside, i usually like the gloomy weather but it sucks that i can't even take a walk without my ass getting frozen so i'm doomed to spend my time inside and i can't stand it. until a few days ago, i'd go to a coffee shop or something just to get out a bit but now they're closed because of the covid and i guess my week highlights will again be the walks to the store and back.
i also had the dumbest breakdown, i think it was that one push that pushed me back into spilling my tears everywhere i can. so during the summer i've downloaded AC pocket camp and god knows i've started loving that game so fricking much, i've even started to pay for this monthly thingy that allows you to have a caretaker in your camp and little useful thingies like that. if you know me you know that i would NEVER pay anything ever because i'm the cheapest trash out there but i sooo wanted this and it made me so happy so my partner persuaded me to take it, and so i did and i was enjoying it so much, until they released an update last month and my phone wasn't compatible anymore and i broke down. i know it's stupid, and i know it's just a game but it means so much to me. it calmed me down everytime i had a bad day, it helped me with my anxiety and i was so crushed that i couldn't play it anymore. in the end, my partner helped me and proposed to me the idea that we exchange phones because his phone is compatible with the new update. i love him so much for this i don't think he's even aware of how much that gesture meant to me.

lately, whenver i come home i become more and more aware of how i cannot really stand my family. i mean sure i love them but the things they talk about and how they're expressing themselves, i just can't listen to that shit so i usually spend my time alone in my bedroom all the time. i wouldn't say i'm sad because of it, i feel like my mind is at peace with it. i just think it's a sad situation.
i made a new page for the site but i still cannot figure out the right image positioning, i think my idea was pretty good it's just this coding thing ugh gives me headache, i had this idea for so long now i was just too lazy to actually start coding (or rather googling it), hope i figure it out soon so i can release it, i think it will make me more active on here too. i love being here and this community it's just hard to be active when i don't feel that good mentally.
sorry for the bad grammar in this entry i honestly don't feel like proofreading it, sorry.

entry.17
date.102320

mentally, i'm at my lowest i have ever been and i don't know how to fix it because everyone around me does exactly the opposite of helping me. i'm not well.

entry.16
date.102020

i just can't draw on fucking tablet for the life of me, i bought this shit a few years ago and tried to enjoy this shit but i can't and it's driving me crazy because i do want to but for some reason i can't. i just prefer canvases and watercolors and paints and all that even tho i'm shit at it, but digital art looks so good and i would really love to try and do something with it but i can't. i would like to say that i haven't found a software that i feel comfortable with but it just sounds like an excuse. i also for some reason, struggle a lot with colors. especially skin colors it never looks right. i've even watched a few tutorials and advices on all that and everyone make it seems so easy but it's not? i don't know.
in other news, my mom's covid test results came back negative so that's good. she still has to self isolate so we're all stuck together and that kinda sucks but i'll live.

i wanna revamp my 'about' page, i never liked how it looked but idk what to do with it, or rather i have no idea where to search for graphics. i've already searched a lot on gifcities and glitter graphics but can never find exactly what i want to. i sometimes use tumblr too. so if anyone has suggestions on where to look for graphics please do tell.
honestly i don't have anything interesting to say but i wanted to write something.
i hope you're all having a nice day, be safe and stay hydrated.

entry.15
date.101720

sorry for not updating anything in a few days, i'm at my boyfriend's place and we found out that we were exposed to the covid so i stayed a few days longer at his place and conveniently we all got sick with common cold i guess, because we don't have fever or any of the common covid symptoms but tomorrow i was supposed to go home and my mom called me and told me that a lot of people in her workplace actually got sick and were exposed to the covid (including her) and it's a mess so she doesn't know if she and the rest of my family will have to self isolate and that means i can't go home and i'm so stressed out it's crazy.
i was already going crazy because i went to hospital to talk about the date of my hospitalization and then all of that happened and i'm so tired now. i have to call my mom in an hour to see what's happening and if i'm going home tomorrow after all i don't know, i hate when i ask 'what should i do' everyone just says 'i don't know' or 'do what you want', because it's not all about me, like i'd do it my way if it was concerning only me, but it's not and that's the reason i'm asking ffs. it's just too much pressure for me to decide about such important things on my own like it's only concerning me, i'm not that smart.
i hate this.

lately i've been sleeping really bad, having bad dreams all the time. i don't know if it's because i'm under constant stress and can't get a break or what's wrong. thank god i don't have nightmares but they are bad enough to make me feel like shit when i wake up.
i'm just hoping for better days

entry.14
date.101120

you really need all those bad experiences to happen in your life to start appreciating the small but important things. especially when it comes to relationships with other people, whether it comes to friendships or love relationships. it only depends if you learn something from those bad experiences. i feel like everytime something bad happens to you, when you're done with the initial phase of sadness and frustration or whatever it may be, when you're done with that, you must take a step back and look at the event from the most unbiased perspective you can. i understand that for most people it's really hard, but i think it's necessary because only then you can judge your actions and see what you have done wrong to be able to correct it on the future or try tp never let it happen again.
we live in a time where we're listening all the time how we're victims but we're not. i refuse to be a victim. if i haven't went through all those painful moments i would still be that empty shell of a person i was and i wouldn't know how to appreciate every second of someone's presence, someone's smile, someone's unusual little tics.
i'm glad i went through shit to be a better person today because i wouldn't met my greatest happiness in my life and wouldn't got rid of all the weeds that were making me miserable. i'm proud of who i am today even though i still have to work on myself to treat all the wounds my bad experiences left behind. but that only means i can grow as a person more and be better.

entry.13
date.100620

i was inspired today enough to make more pages on here, i really like how they came up. they are kinda meaningless but not at the same time. depends on how you look at them i suppose. i went through my page and realized i totally forgot about my art page but i can't remember the last time that i drew something. i have a lot of ideas but not that much motivation. allegedly.
i feel like i'm just fooling myself when i say that, the truth is i feel like i'm not that creative and talented at all, i mean sure i have some ideas and shit but i can never make them happen. i always find an excuse that i have no money for the appropriate tools but wouldn't a truly talented person made it work with anything? wow this was a true confession lmao. i'm such an idiot.
there are few people on here that i would like to get to know more but i'm so dumb when it comes to starting conversations so i guess i'll continue to hope that ya'll read my mind through the computer and reach out to me first. i'm sure that will work.
i just wrote a rant and deleted it because i just can't deal with this shit today, i'm already in a bad mood without getting into discussions about idiots. i'm sorry i don't have anything interesting to say but if i dive into 'deeper' stuff about myself or my life this entry will be more depressing and i'll get in a worse state than i already am and it's not worth it, i'll save those thoughts for the days when i'm already down. i hope you all have a nice day/night.

entry.12
date.100520

i archived my older entries because i hate reading them everytime i edit this page. i hate seeing myself this weak even tho it's my journal. anyway i feel like people don't really listen to me when i talk about things that excite me. i'm usually a quiet person and i don't have much to say because nothing interesting is really happening to me, but here and there i get excited about something so i wanna tell everyone that i know and i feel like no one really listens to me. i don't know, it's kinda discouraging because sometimes, rarely, but it happens, when i get creative and wanna start doing something i don't really get that 'push' that i need so it goes away because i see the 'meh' reactions from others and i don't really feel like doing those things anymore. it's sad that i depend on others reactions and opinions that much but i never really got any kind of encouraging words when i was young and i really want to hear those words from time to time. i'm aware how dumb that sounds but i guess i'm just like that. pathetic.
you know, i really hate my personality. i'm kinda cold but at the same time i'm full of empathy and when i care about something i care too much and i try and try and try even though sometimes it's useless because you cannot try for yourself and the other person. you cannot influence on someone elses feelings and their actions. i think that is driving me insanse. which is not normal i'm sure of it, i'm perfectly aware of it but it's driving me insane. how can i stop trying so hard? how can i stop caring too much? those are the questions i ask myself so many times.
i'm also such a people pleaser. in my brain, i need to try to please everyone and that is the main reason of my stress (if i don't count my health issues). but if i don't try to please everyone, that other person won't care that much to fix the misunderstandings that could happen if i don't do things that i think they would like. that's my train of thoughts. i feel like at the end of the day i'm just SO scared to be left alone without anyone around me that it cripples me. all of my life i'm alone and i hate it so much. everything bad i went through, i was alone. still, i have this tiny speck of hope that maybe, it won't be like this forever and that helps me to keep going.
otherwise i'd be dead long time ago.