i remember back in my days when tumblr just started how awesome it was, because it was the first social website after myspace that was personal enough but you could also get to know other people with whom you shared some interests, or in some cases you just liked someone elses blog and you could start a conversation. it was customizable enough to make it your own and you could post photos and texts or reblog stuff or do whatever you wanted to do with the blog without being dog piled by dumb people.
yea there was an occasional anonymous 'hate' comment, or a few of them but nothing too serious. then tumblr turned into a kindergarten and aesthetic became a thing and every blog ended up looking the same, the drama became constant and tumblr just became annoying. which honestly i never got over bc it was my fav social website to be on all the time, i could mix texts and photos and reblogs and it was perfect for me and the way i like to vent i guess, idk how to explain it very well.
nowadays, nothing like that exists. you have instagram, which you can't make too personal because you always have some people that you dont rly want to follow but still do because thats just life, facebook is dead and twitter is a legitimate shithole. i don't rly consider reddit a soc website, its more like a modern forum but people on there are morons as well, like you cant say anything without getting some judgement.
everywhere on the internet people just judge you without even asking for more details or giving you the benefit of the doubt and its so tiring. even here on neocities where we all just have websites, there is judgement and drama for the most dumbest bullshit ever. like cant you just let the people be. i think its quite sad that teens nowadays dont really have a internet space in which they can make their own worlds because i remember how healing tumblr was for me in all of my eras in my teens and those baby adult years when yo're 18-20 and you have no idea why are you existing. fuck even now i crave for some safe space where i can just vent without being worried about getting a judgmental message or a comment or whatever. some people just need that for themselves.
and i do realize that internet is internet and that 'the world without judgement' just isn't possible like im not delusional, i understand that, but it just seems to me that nowadays it's so much worse than it was before and i think that's the part that i cannot understand, i guess. maybe that's why it's so frustrating for me. or im just too old for this shit, that's most likely the reason.
who knows, who cares.
ill keep this short.
today is my sixth day after getting covid. i had a fever three days and now i have no taste and no smell and its weird and it sucks i cannot wait to get it back and i have this weird dry cough but im not coughing anything out and its so annoying.
also i was changing my sheets and found a fucking bug in my pillow sheet and first i thought it was dead bc ??? but then i touched it and it was alive and i was freaking out i slept on a fucking alive bug thats disgusting it could've went into my ear and made itself a nest in there and have babies gsdfgdfg i hate everything
the point of this post is don't get covid
i guess im back, we'll see. the last time i've updated was march so i think this was the longest break i've had. the summer was really busy and i feel like i've grown a lot, took some advices and put some work in myself to not be happy necessarily but more content with my life. i've realized that i cannot force happiness, it's just as toxic as being negative all the time so i cope with my problems a bit different now and for now it helps so i'm satisfied. i haven't really had a slump for a while now so that's good, i think.
oh but i've realized that i'm more antisocial than i thought i was. i had a thing recently that involved hanging out and mingling with a lot of people that i don't know and it was so awkward i couldn't wait for it to be over, it was the most stressful two weeks in my life. a lot of new things and changes happened in like literally two days so i had to adapt to this new situation really fast and i think i'm dealing with it very well considering that i cannot stand drastic changes in my life, so i'm proud of myself on that.
in other news, i don't think i'll change the design on my site, im kinda happy how it looks like BUT i will add more things on it, more pages. i'm already collecting stuff for my genshin page. listen, i know some cringe when genshin is mentioned but it's currently my life and i don't care i must have a page dedicated to it because i have a lot to say about it, okay.
what else hmm, thatwhitehand (i rec to check out their page and yt ofc) kinda made me think about the videos that i wanted to make a few months back, kinda vloggy/ranty style videos, so i guess im thinking about it again. i just don't know how to do it exactly, idk if im comfortable to make it public on yt and risk that my dumb videos hit the algorithm or something, i'm probably overthinking it but you never know, you know.
i see that a lot of ppl here on nc don't update anymore or they deleted it and i always feel kinda sad whenever i notice it, also i'm glad to see that a lot of you still update your pages and they look even better than a few months ago.
i just hope ur all doing well in your lives xo
i rarely get offended about anything, actually truthfully i'd say that i don't really understand today's culture where 'everyone gets offended over anything' but i still understand that i should at least be respectful to others, because it's just the way things are now yea?
so okay, well the world is going to shit oficially. a huge rant is cooking in my head ever since this crisis started and i just know im going to be messy with my words and i don't want to offend anyone so i've been kinda postponing my journal entry until i calm down a bit. so hear me out and forgive me that this post will be dedicated mostly to non european people, i understand that not all of you are like this but i just can't shut up about it, if you're not one of these people that im going to talk about, thank you and forgive my language.
i literally had to unfollow a few dumb ass people on here because they were writing dumb ass shit about the ukranian/russian war. listen you fucking imbecils people are dying. im so pissed that i live in a society that thinks memeing a fucking war is funny. like what the fuck is funny about that? 'why should i care about eastern european people bombing each other' well if you don't care you're an idiot, because this war involves america too but okay, if you really don't care then you can just shut the fuck up about it. don't be a dick about a situation where people are fucking dying, it's so gross to me.
you cannot imagine what a fucking war does to people, my country went through a horrible war only 30 years ago, people here aren't even near to be done with it. the hatred lives on, it doesn't disappear magically when the war is over. and this is much bigger than our war in the 90's. this could spill over and everything could start all over again in my country.
i understand that most of american (or non european) people are not educated on this and that's fine, eastern european countries are a meme to most of yall and i get it,but please people where are your morals ffs. most people are supportive and im so appreciative about it, but i just couldn't believe some of the entries i've read where yall blatantly say I DONT CARE WHY DO I HAVE TO READ ABOUT THIS EVERYWHERE, well newsflash you morons, not everything is about fucking america, other countries exist.
i wrote a lot but i feel like i said too much so i deleted half of this entry and i'll just leave it like this.
please, be mindful when it comes to things like this, life is honestly too precious and no one deserve to die in a war where everyone is innocent except the handful people on the top that aren't even on the battlefield but somewhere on the warm, not hungry and alive.
people losing their lives literally makes me wanna cry and my heart breaks when i see children and teenagers on the news with big guns and when they say they are gonna protect their families, it's fucking heartbreaking. i just pray that everything will be over soon
no one cares about anything or anyone these days and it bothers me so much because i somehow always end up caring about everything and everyone too much.
that's all i have to say for today.
i am alive, i promise. i had an eventful month so i hadn't had time really to sit down and do something with my page even tho i said id do something in my last entry, i somehow do that wuite often lol. i'm so envious of everyone here who updates almost every day with new blogs entries or really anything on their pages, i wish my life was even a tiny bit interesting like that.
today i went to check when is the start of the new season in diablo 3 just to learn that it began in like july or something like that, i haven't played in such a long time, i think im gonna start playing it again before the season is over.
everyone is talking about that korean tv show called squid game and don't get me wrong, i've binged that show so hard, we were done with it in literally two days, i liked it a lot. i even liked the open ending i so wouldn't mind the season 2. it's just that the fucking hype around the show is driving me crazy honestly. i get that its maybe a weird thing to say but i can't help it, i get so annoyed when people read SOOOOOO much in it like its THAT DEEP like bruh, no, stop. i mean, 'going deeper' in tv shows can be cool, especially if the makers are doing that, putting lil tiny details for people to discover but sometimes people are just too much. but anyways i strongly recommend the show.
twitter also annoys me more than usual in the past few days, if that's even possible. like listen okay, if you aren't a fucking EXPERT on paper about something that's kinda tricky to talk about, how about you don't argue with another idiot across the world about it? it's just THAT simple to scroll, yes.
opinions are opinions. everyone has one and you probably won't be that spark in someones life that will change their mind so why bother trying. and if you already DO REALLY MUST TRY okay, if you really have to, why don't you just fucking say it nicely because there is probably a good reason why that person has that kind of an opinion yea? like you won't change opinion with an agressive tweet, that's all im trying to say, ok.
also, something that i've noticed lately, if you're an american and you don't know geography really well (like REALLY WELL apparently), stop giving opinions about cultures in europe and other continents and saying shit that are just plainly wrong and dumb to people who actually live there, okay?
that's all, thanks
i came home today after... two months? two and a half? i don't know, something like that. it's kinda weird i have to admit, it's very quiet currently and it's kind of peaceful but i miss the cats running around or hearing the trams outside. i miss my little rituals over there.
anyway, the summer is over and lately i've been thinking of going to therapy. i feel worn out and more tired than ever before and i feel like i used up all the things that were keeping me from going crazy. i want to find someone good and reliable first so i'll see how it goes.
i plan to relax these days. watch videos that i've been putting on my watch later list on youtube, make some art, play some games and just trying to rest my brain from all the stress. i'll probably rework my site too, i really don't like how my about page looks currently. oh and i've not given up from my vlog idea that i've been yapping about for months now, it was kinda awkward to do it when i wasn't all alone but no i'll have plenty of time i guess.
i've started watching tv show called evil, and i gotta admit i'm kinda disappointed? i mean the tv show is good, it has a LOT of potential but its like thea're building up to something that's never gonna come so every episode is frustrating. i'd recommend it to everyone who likes 'supernatural/psychological' tv shows tho.i'm also excited for the new batman movie, i saw the trailer a few days ago LISTEN I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, i think pattinson is a great actor, i think he'll do great as a batman from the trailer. it has a lot of dark vibes and im diggin it.
i don't have anything important to write anymore, i have this tab open for an hour and i wrote absolutely nothing so ye, i hope you're all doing well bye
lately i've been having troubles with my self esteem and the way i look. over the years i've been dealing with it by 'lifting myself up'. like confirming that im pretty whenever someone would say that, or just in general assuring myself that i look good, that im average and i should be happy with that. and it work kinda, at least i wouldn't be so depressed about it. but then i have these days when i feel so ugly that i just want to stay in a dark room and don't go anywhere. i can't stand looking myself at the mirror or anything. it really messes up my confidence and i don't wanna do anything but cry because of it.
i hate how everytime i vent to someone about it, it doesn't seem like a big deal, or it seems like there's an easy solution about it, but its such a huge insecurity for me that i just don't know what to do with it or how to help myself whenever i feel like shit. i hate how it also kinda annoys or bother or makes people sad around me and then i feel guilty because ppl are feeling like that and its eternal struggle for me. i also don't understand why it's somehow getting worse as im getting older, like i've been like this ever since i can remember but its like i gave less fucks about it when i was younger but i feel like its supposed to be the other way? idk.
i just feel so sad that i can't love myself properly. it's honestly the worst feeling ever. feeling like you're not good enough. like im not pretty enough for my boyfriend.
besides that, my summer is going okay. im having a war with bugs every day, but its the part of the summer experience i guess. i wanted to put a video the other day but didn't know what was the best way to do it, i don't have my laptop with me and wifi is so shitty here. maybe i figure something out.
have a nice week peeps
my bday is on the 8th, i don't like the hype that people make around bdays. i've celebrated my bdays when i was little but when i was around 14,15 i've stopped and ever since then i hate when july starts because people around me start mentioning my birthday and it gets annoying. i just feel its unnecessary. sure its nice when you get the 'happy birthday, wish you the best' but making a big deal about is just draining for me. especially now when im older i feel like i get more and more annoyed every year.
its so hot these days i feel like im gonna melt, i want to go to walks and hang out outside more but being outside is unbearable and im too lazy to go when the sun goes down. summer overall is the worst time of the year hands down, i just don't get people who like this. sweating balls while you're literally nothing, what's there to like???
my tics are over the roof for the past few days. i am anxious for a while already and the other day an unexpected situation happened that just pushed me over the edge with my stress being so high and all and ever since then my tics became so annoying i wanna yeet myself into a bottomless pit.
i still haven't figured out how to make my video page, i think at this point im probably just too lazy, but i really wanna do it before going out of the town so i hope i'll stop procrastinating soon.
i hope you're all doing alright and aren't dying of heat like i am.x
i finally updated this page lol. i totally went all random on it, but i like it for now.
anyway, lately i've been feeling down again. i can feel the stress on my back and i hate that i can't relax even for a minute. to be honest, if you asked me two or three years ago i didn't really think i'll be in such a bad state as i am currently. i'm feeling like i'll have a breakdown more often that i ever have and i'm really struggling to keep it under control. i feel like there's really this pressure on me to have a good relationship with anyone that crosses my path in my life. i don't exactly know why i feel this way, maybe because i crave for this stability that i'm dying to have but still cannot. the stress is really eating me alive, i can't do things that usually would put me in a better mood, now i just struggle and struggle and keep boiling it inside, constantly thinking about stuff that maybe aren't even worth thinking of or being worried about. it's hard to explain. i still don't feel that people are taking me serious when i express this thoughts. maybe because i always dismiss them when i see others struggling to say something that will 'make me feel better'. i'm also scared. scared of potential changes in my life. isn't that kinda crazy tho? that i'm scared and stressed about something that may not even happen? i'm very well aware that in the end, i'm the one who tortures myself the most but i just can't stop. i heard people call that 'intrusive thoughts' and that's exactly what they are, they just freaking apear out of nowhere, without a reason, and my mind goes somewhere far away and it really does kill me inside.
i guess i'll just continue to hope that this too shall pass.
i haven't written anything in a long long time, i apologize for that. nothing was really happening in my life worth mentioning so i didn't bother to update my journal. i need to think of a page dedicated to my thoughts or something like that, i feel like that would be updated more frequently than this. i finally revamped my landing site and my main and about page. i still have some misc pages to add but it's a process and i don't wanna rush anything. i have so many ideas for my shrines but my ideas are all over the place and its hard to make them all into something that make sense and looks good to me. i think i'll have to start writing it down or something like that.
i was in a really bad mental space this past week but i am much better now. lately it's been really exhausting browsing on the 'main' social sites (specifically twitter). i was on a 'foreign' twitter sphere for a while and twitted on english but the toxicity was so exhausting that i unfollowed everyone and transferred to my language thinking people are different, mainly because of the mentality but boy i was so wrong. it seems that i am more frustrated with them than the rest of the world, who'd knew. people are so opinionated and i really can't relate with anyone. also i don't understand how can't they recognize the hypocrisy that they're preaching, but whatever it's not like i expect something better from people like that.
but anyway, i hope ill think of some layout for my daily thoughts or something like that so i don't feel the pressure of updating my journal in the periods when nothing is happening.
i hope everyone is doing alright, have a nice day
last updated 2 weeks ago, yikes.
i went through so much shit lately i feel like someone is making a bad joke on me lol. there were three huge earthquakes in my country near me like 4 days before new year and i've been boiling shit in myself and just going through it because i just don't know how to deal with it? i couldn't sleep for three days after it because of how scared i was. thank god i'm fine like, nothing got damaged in my home or my boyfriends home and we were fine, it was just such a shock, i can't even imagine how people from that city are handling it. i find myself really upset since than about stupid things, like my nerves can't handle big issues anymore, i just want to be at peace for some time now because i was already going through shit and i feel like i can't get a minute of peace in my mind. i hope things will be alright soon.
i feel sucky that i come to write here only about sad and depressing shit lmao but i guess it's better than keeping it to myself even tho it still bothers me.
today we had a little scare, a lady that lives two stores below us left a lit candle and went somewhere and i guess something started burning because neighbours could smell the smoke and they called firefighters right away and there wasn't any significant damage inthe apartment. we literally got up when a firefighter rang the bell to check if the gas is leaking because they weren't sure what was happening either. it was kinda surreal not gonna lie i was standing in my pjs and was so confused of what was happening. can't get a break at all man lol.
i still plan to revamp my site little by little and add some fun pages that have no meaning whatsoever, just waiting for everything to chill down a bit.
i hope every one of you had peaceful and relaxing holidays and that you're all doing well.