entry.25
date.3107'21

lately i've been having troubles with my self esteem and the way i look. over the years i've been dealing with it by 'lifting myself up'. like confirming that im pretty whenever someone would say that, or just in general assuring myself that i look good, that im average and i should be happy with that. and it work kinda, at least i wouldn't be so depressed about it. but then i have these days when i feel so ugly that i just want to stay in a dark room and don't go anywhere. i can't stand looking myself at the mirror or anything. it really messes up my confidence and i don't wanna do anything but cry because of it.
i hate how everytime i vent to someone about it, it doesn't seem like a big deal, or it seems like there's an easy solution about it, but its such a huge insecurity for me that i just don't know what to do with it or how to help myself whenever i feel like shit. i hate how it also kinda annoys or bother or makes people sad around me and then i feel guilty because ppl are feeling like that and its eternal struggle for me. i also don't understand why it's somehow getting worse as im getting older, like i've been like this ever since i can remember but its like i gave less fucks about it when i was younger but i feel like its supposed to be the other way? idk.
i just feel so sad that i can't love myself properly. it's honestly the worst feeling ever. feeling like you're not good enough. like im not pretty enough for my boyfriend.

besides that, my summer is going okay. im having a war with bugs every day, but its the part of the summer experience i guess. i wanted to put a video the other day but didn't know what was the best way to do it, i don't have my laptop with me and wifi is so shitty here. maybe i figure something out.
have a nice week peeps

entry.24
date.0107'21

my bday is on the 8th, i don't like the hype that people make around bdays. i've celebrated my bdays when i was little but when i was around 14,15 i've stopped and ever since then i hate when july starts because people around me start mentioning my birthday and it gets annoying. i just feel its unnecessary. sure its nice when you get the 'happy birthday, wish you the best' but making a big deal about is just draining for me. especially now when im older i feel like i get more and more annoyed every year.
its so hot these days i feel like im gonna melt, i want to go to walks and hang out outside more but being outside is unbearable and im too lazy to go when the sun goes down. summer overall is the worst time of the year hands down, i just don't get people who like this. sweating balls while you're literally nothing, what's there to like???
my tics are over the roof for the past few days. i am anxious for a while already and the other day an unexpected situation happened that just pushed me over the edge with my stress being so high and all and ever since then my tics became so annoying i wanna yeet myself into a bottomless pit.
i still haven't figured out how to make my video page, i think at this point im probably just too lazy, but i really wanna do it before going out of the town so i hope i'll stop procrastinating soon.
i hope you're all doing alright and aren't dying of heat like i am.x

entry.23
date.1106'21

i finally updated this page lol. i totally went all random on it, but i like it for now.
anyway, lately i've been feeling down again. i can feel the stress on my back and i hate that i can't relax even for a minute. to be honest, if you asked me two or three years ago i didn't really think i'll be in such a bad state as i am currently. i'm feeling like i'll have a breakdown more often that i ever have and i'm really struggling to keep it under control. i feel like there's really this pressure on me to have a good relationship with anyone that crosses my path in my life. i don't exactly know why i feel this way, maybe because i crave for this stability that i'm dying to have but still cannot. the stress is really eating me alive, i can't do things that usually would put me in a better mood, now i just struggle and struggle and keep boiling it inside, constantly thinking about stuff that maybe aren't even worth thinking of or being worried about. it's hard to explain. i still don't feel that people are taking me serious when i express this thoughts. maybe because i always dismiss them when i see others struggling to say something that will 'make me feel better'. i'm also scared. scared of potential changes in my life. isn't that kinda crazy tho? that i'm scared and stressed about something that may not even happen? i'm very well aware that in the end, i'm the one who tortures myself the most but i just can't stop. i heard people call that 'intrusive thoughts' and that's exactly what they are, they just freaking apear out of nowhere, without a reason, and my mind goes somewhere far away and it really does kill me inside.
i guess i'll just continue to hope that this too shall pass.

entry.22
date.2302'21

i haven't written anything in a long long time, i apologize for that. nothing was really happening in my life worth mentioning so i didn't bother to update my journal. i need to think of a page dedicated to my thoughts or something like that, i feel like that would be updated more frequently than this. i finally revamped my landing site and my main and about page. i still have some misc pages to add but it's a process and i don't wanna rush anything. i have so many ideas for my shrines but my ideas are all over the place and its hard to make them all into something that make sense and looks good to me. i think i'll have to start writing it down or something like that.
i was in a really bad mental space this past week but i am much better now. lately it's been really exhausting browsing on the 'main' social sites (specifically twitter). i was on a 'foreign' twitter sphere for a while and twitted on english but the toxicity was so exhausting that i unfollowed everyone and transferred to my language thinking people are different, mainly because of the mentality but boy i was so wrong. it seems that i am more frustrated with them than the rest of the world, who'd knew. people are so opinionated and i really can't relate with anyone. also i don't understand how can't they recognize the hypocrisy that they're preaching, but whatever it's not like i expect something better from people like that.
but anyway, i hope ill think of some layout for my daily thoughts or something like that so i don't feel the pressure of updating my journal in the periods when nothing is happening.
i hope everyone is doing alright, have a nice day

entry.21
date.0301'21

last updated 2 weeks ago, yikes.
i went through so much shit lately i feel like someone is making a bad joke on me lol. there were three huge earthquakes in my country near me like 4 days before new year and i've been boiling shit in myself and just going through it because i just don't know how to deal with it? i couldn't sleep for three days after it because of how scared i was. thank god i'm fine like, nothing got damaged in my home or my boyfriends home and we were fine, it was just such a shock, i can't even imagine how people from that city are handling it. i find myself really upset since than about stupid things, like my nerves can't handle big issues anymore, i just want to be at peace for some time now because i was already going through shit and i feel like i can't get a minute of peace in my mind. i hope things will be alright soon.
i feel sucky that i come to write here only about sad and depressing shit lmao but i guess it's better than keeping it to myself even tho it still bothers me.
today we had a little scare, a lady that lives two stores below us left a lit candle and went somewhere and i guess something started burning because neighbours could smell the smoke and they called firefighters right away and there wasn't any significant damage inthe apartment. we literally got up when a firefighter rang the bell to check if the gas is leaking because they weren't sure what was happening either. it was kinda surreal not gonna lie i was standing in my pjs and was so confused of what was happening. can't get a break at all man lol.
i still plan to revamp my site little by little and add some fun pages that have no meaning whatsoever, just waiting for everything to chill down a bit.

i hope every one of you had peaceful and relaxing holidays and that you're all doing well.