i need to change not only for myself but also for the people i care about. i wish i could bring back that optimistic spark that i've had during the summer. i was in a different surrounding though so i know i cannot replicate everything but i wish that i had something that makes me happy even when i'm alone.
i hope i get better soon
my mental health is really bad these days. i cry often and there are times when i cry so hard that i actually have to snap myself out and breathe to be careful of not getting a panic attack and to not sob so loudly. i'm not really sure what is the reason. fear is such a nasty thing. especially fear of things you cannot control. i don't wanna bother people around me with this. i feel like they would only feel bad for me and that they can't do anything to help me.
i wish i was normal
i'm really happy how my diary page turned out. i still have to add some graphics and things like that but currently i'm too tired for it, i'll do it tomorrow.
i'm currently rewatching desperate housewives, i feel like it's weird how i'd always rather choose something to rewatch than to watch some new tv show, i just like that nostalgic feeling when you haven't seen something for so long and then you get excited about the familiar things all over again, it's kinda comforting too.
next month i have to go to the hospital to get my appointment for the embolisation procedure. tbf i'm so over it already, i just want it to be done with. i don't feel really comfortable to go while covid is still active but at the same time i should've done this literally 3 months ago so i can't really wait anymore.
i just don't wanna go through this all alone
i haven't written anything in a while. reason is i don't really have anything to write about. i'm not in the mood for ranting, i've been feeling rly depressed lately so i can't get in that proper mood for ranting and venting. i just wanna cry all the time.
i want to revamp my 'diary' page, change the design, i have everything figured out but i'm having some problems with the scrolling on the image map. idk if it's even possible, i've read somewhere that it isn't but then i found some code that's mentioned everywhere but it doesn't work for me. if someone who'll read this think they could help me please reach out, i'd really appreciate the help.
i came back home today.
it's very weird, after these three months that we spent together 24/7, it feels very empty without him. i never thought i could love someone like this.
i know that i'm a very dramatic person but it's honestly how i feel.
i feel at peace when i'm with him.
i feel content.
i can tell him everything and anything and he'll love me the same.
i know that we practically just started but honestly i couldn't be more happier that i'm doing all of this with him. he's a very special person and i'm sure he forever will be a very special person to me.
2 more days until the trip. my anxiety calmed down a bit, now im just stressed and excited. i don't like the feeling when i know that i have so much to do but it's still too early to start doing the thing so i have to wait, if you know what im talking about. my bf's friend moved in today, his mom will come tomorrow. they are in a tight situation with their living state so they will be in the apartment for some time. his friend will join us in ten days or so and his mom will stay here and watch the cats, ngl im kinda worried about them, and her but mostly them. im gonna miss them a lot.
im kinda down that i haven't seen my family in a while. my mom came yesterday but she was here for half an hour and she was being a mom. i haven't talked with my brother for a long time too, i kinda miss our dumb conversations, im kinda bummed he doesn't reach out to me more often. but oh well i guess it has to be like that.
i hope this thing with covid chills down a bit by fall, ill have to go to the hospital to find out my date for the embolisation procedure i have to do. i don't want to go by myself, its already hard for me that i have to go anyways. i hope they'll at least allow the visitors because i dont want to be alone after the procedure, it would be the worst thing for me. i don't know in what state ill be when i wake up and that's what's scaring me the most. i try not to think about all of it yet.
people that love summer are bat shit crazy. we went to buy bus tickets today and i wanted to die from the heat, i hate it. can't wait for the winter and sweater weather. i also can now say with confirmation that im addicted to energy drinks and idk how to feel about it, i mean its not good but i don't feel bad about it either lol. when we skip days of not drinking energy drinks i feel like a grandma, i get sleepy at around midnight already even tho i got up at 3pm that day. not healthy at all in any case. i do not recommend this lifestyle kids.
im conflicted about my pages on here. when i was making everything i had a vision of everything being cute but kinda edgy cringe (because thats literally me) but i don't think i did a good job and now im kinda stuck with what i should do. i knew this will become a problem at some point i can't even tell you just how often i would change my tumblr theme when i was active on there jesus christ. but oh well i think ill just leave it like it is, add shit i want to and when im back home ill reorganize everything.
this is kinda a pointless entry, im just bored. oh yea, i know i use a lot of abbreviations, its just like this is internet and i could give less shit about writing like im writing an essay but my bf stalked my last entry and gave me 'constructive criticism' and commented how i had many spelling (which i don't rly care abt) and grammar errors so i was wondering if i could get feedback from yall if my grammar is rly that bad lol its just important for me that people understand what im saying, i don't think its such a big deal if i write ppl instead of people, am i right or no? well idk \_(ツ)_/¯
id rly like to talk to some of yall, im gonna add my discord in my links so add me if u wanna talk or vent or whatever, im a pretty chill non judgemental person, also im bored so hmu lol