i need to change not only for myself but also for the people i care about. i wish i could bring back that optimistic spark that i've had during the summer. i was in a different surrounding though so i know i cannot replicate everything but i wish that i had something that makes me happy even when i'm alone.
i hope i get better soon



my mental health is really bad these days. i cry often and there are times when i cry so hard that i actually have to snap myself out and breathe to be careful of not getting a panic attack and to not sob so loudly. i'm not really sure what is the reason. fear is such a nasty thing. especially fear of things you cannot control. i don't wanna bother people around me with this. i feel like they would only feel bad for me and that they can't do anything to help me.
i wish i was normal



i'm really happy how my diary page turned out. i still have to add some graphics and things like that but currently i'm too tired for it, i'll do it tomorrow.
i'm currently rewatching desperate housewives, i feel like it's weird how i'd always rather choose something to rewatch than to watch some new tv show, i just like that nostalgic feeling when you haven't seen something for so long and then you get excited about the familiar things all over again, it's kinda comforting too.

next month i have to go to the hospital to get my appointment for the embolisation procedure. tbf i'm so over it already, i just want it to be done with. i don't feel really comfortable to go while covid is still active but at the same time i should've done this literally 3 months ago so i can't really wait anymore.
i just don't wanna go through this all alone



i haven't written anything in a while. reason is i don't really have anything to write about. i'm not in the mood for ranting, i've been feeling rly depressed lately so i can't get in that proper mood for ranting and venting. i just wanna cry all the time.

i want to revamp my 'diary' page, change the design, i have everything figured out but i'm having some problems with the scrolling on the image map. idk if it's even possible, i've read somewhere that it isn't but then i found some code that's mentioned everywhere but it doesn't work for me. if someone who'll read this think they could help me please reach out, i'd really appreciate the help.



i came back home today.
it's very weird, after these three months that we spent together 24/7, it feels very empty without him. i never thought i could love someone like this.
i know that i'm a very dramatic person but it's honestly how i feel. i feel at peace when i'm with him.
i feel content.
i can tell him everything and anything and he'll love me the same.
i know that we practically just started but honestly i couldn't be more happier that i'm doing all of this with him. he's a very special person and i'm sure he forever will be a very special person to me.



we came back from vacation two days ago so now when i finally have a stable wifi i'll start updating more often.
i never thought i'll say it but i already miss it. i had so much fun over there and for that short amount of time i wasn't as stressed as i usually am. i really enjoyed our little routine, it was good for my mental health. to get a break from everything at least for a bit. i was thinking a lot about my life and while i can't with confidence say that im completely happy just yet i'm starting to feel like it's actually possible, i think that's a huge progress so im looking forward to everything that's coming for me. i hope my depression will eventually fade away.

i feel really inspired for the last three weeks and i have a lot of ideas of what i wanna do when i come back home in a week or so. i want to get a bigger desk in my room for all of my pens and brushes and stationery that i have. i just hope my mind stays creative and inspired like this, i feel more optimistic when im like this and i like this feeling.



we came yesterday at the seaside. i haven't updated yesterday because i was so exhausted, we traveled longer than we were supposed to and later we immediately went to the beach, i was a walking corpse at the end of the day. im adjusting slowly but its going well. the only thing i dislike is that there is no store nearby so i can't go buy shit whenever i want to but oh well. oh and the bugs. im having fun tho in my own way i know ppl around me probably can't tell but i feel good. im glad i came here.



2 more days until the trip. my anxiety calmed down a bit, now im just stressed and excited. i don't like the feeling when i know that i have so much to do but it's still too early to start doing the thing so i have to wait, if you know what im talking about. my bf's friend moved in today, his mom will come tomorrow. they are in a tight situation with their living state so they will be in the apartment for some time. his friend will join us in ten days or so and his mom will stay here and watch the cats, ngl im kinda worried about them, and her but mostly them. im gonna miss them a lot.

im kinda down that i haven't seen my family in a while. my mom came yesterday but she was here for half an hour and she was being a mom. i haven't talked with my brother for a long time too, i kinda miss our dumb conversations, im kinda bummed he doesn't reach out to me more often. but oh well i guess it has to be like that.
i hope this thing with covid chills down a bit by fall, ill have to go to the hospital to find out my date for the embolisation procedure i have to do. i don't want to go by myself, its already hard for me that i have to go anyways. i hope they'll at least allow the visitors because i dont want to be alone after the procedure, it would be the worst thing for me. i don't know in what state ill be when i wake up and that's what's scaring me the most. i try not to think about all of it yet.



people that love summer are bat shit crazy. we went to buy bus tickets today and i wanted to die from the heat, i hate it. can't wait for the winter and sweater weather. i also can now say with confirmation that im addicted to energy drinks and idk how to feel about it, i mean its not good but i don't feel bad about it either lol. when we skip days of not drinking energy drinks i feel like a grandma, i get sleepy at around midnight already even tho i got up at 3pm that day. not healthy at all in any case. i do not recommend this lifestyle kids.
im conflicted about my pages on here. when i was making everything i had a vision of everything being cute but kinda edgy cringe (because thats literally me) but i don't think i did a good job and now im kinda stuck with what i should do. i knew this will become a problem at some point i can't even tell you just how often i would change my tumblr theme when i was active on there jesus christ. but oh well i think ill just leave it like it is, add shit i want to and when im back home ill reorganize everything.

this is kinda a pointless entry, im just bored. oh yea, i know i use a lot of abbreviations, its just like this is internet and i could give less shit about writing like im writing an essay but my bf stalked my last entry and gave me 'constructive criticism' and commented how i had many spelling (which i don't rly care abt) and grammar errors so i was wondering if i could get feedback from yall if my grammar is rly that bad lol its just important for me that people understand what im saying, i don't think its such a big deal if i write ppl instead of people, am i right or no? well idk \_(ツ)_/¯
id rly like to talk to some of yall, im gonna add my discord in my links so add me if u wanna talk or vent or whatever, im a pretty chill non judgemental person, also im bored so hmu lol



this is my first entry. i gotta admit, i feel kinda awkward writing like this. i haven't done anything like this in a long time, and i mean rly long ass time, not since i was a teen. i have a lot of things on my mind lately. my birthday was on 8th and i got older but still achieved nothing special in my life. that kinda made me depressed. im also really anxious lately and i don't know why. a lot of new things is happening in my life that i haven't experienced for a long time. soon it wil be a year that im in a relationship and it rly means a lot to me. i have this weird itch in my head that everything 'must be perfect' so im struggling with that because im far from a perfect person. im doing my best to not fuck anything up like i usually somehow do because this relationship is my only source of some kind of happiness in my life. sometimes i suck at showing my true feelings but i hope that my boyfriend understands of how much i care about us.
most of the time im just lonely. i feel like i need friends to keep me occupied to keep my mind at peace and my brain from overthinking. or i just need someone to talk to sometimes. i don't rly know what i need, i wish i do. things related to my health aren't getting better either. or worse for that matter, everything is the same for so long now and that's what's driving me crazy. most of the people tell me 'you should be happy that its not getting worse', how can i be happy with that when my life is not going anywhere. i want to improve myself and grow but i feel like im in chains, just struggling to move even just a little bit.
soon we're going on a vacation at the seaside, my anxiety is at its highest because of that too. its a new thing for me that i haven't done in many years and idk how im gonna deal with it. i hope i don't end up crying everyday in the bathroom lmao
this entry is depressing lmao but i guess thats why i made this shit in the first place so enjoy my depressing rants and vents from time to time i guess.